Condo Woes

For those who do not yet know, our condo is on the market. We’ve had people come in to check it out.

The following are some of my observations: {ahem}

The little key holder that hangs on the door makes the doorknob slide down and become looser. I hate it.

Alright, so it's just one observation so far. I'm sure there are more. I just can't remember any right now.

Onward!

Of the people who call to see the house, here is a category breakdown:

75% do not show up, they also don’t call. These people truly really suck.
Of the 25% who do show up, ½ are late. Very late. They also do not call. They only kinda suck.
The last ½ of the 25% (I don’t do percentages really well, okay?) are on time. Thank you.

Overall, all of these people force me to clean the house.

They also force Dave to clean the house. Well done. I salute you all. You have been able to do something that I can only dream of. You make Dave clean the bathrooms and take out the trash. Without me asking.

Heck, maybe I should call a realtor and say that I want to see the house every weekend.

Hmmmm….. I’ll file that away for more thought.

The place always looks fantastic. Really*!

It does however, remind me that I do not want to leave this place. I love the condo! I admit that I have been sorely tempted to do some subtle things to, well, I wouldn’t say sabotage. I would say perhaps add some “subliminal” message that they do not want to buy.

Here are some of my, umm, ideas**:

1. Remove all air fresheners.
2. On the other hand, place all of the air fresheners from the whole house in a single room. Turn them to high.
3. Place towels on the floor around every door and window opening. Do not explain why they are there. Pretend they don't exist.
4. This is the ideal time to ask for suggestions for more “ideas”. Feel free to post them. Make them tasteful, please.

I can't really think of any more. It's late. I'll be up in about an hour to feed the baby (nine months of this, I don't know how much longer I can take the sleep deprivation) so I must to bed go.

Goodnight.

*This statement is for my mother-in-law who actually owns the condo. *cough-cough* The condo always looks like a model home. You can stop by on any given weekday in the afternoon and would never know looking at it, that a procrastinating husband, exhausted wife and small, messy baby live here.

** Please note that these are only “ideas”. I would never in any sense actually act upon them. Never. They tempt me, I’ve thought about them, but I would never do any of them. I may have come up with the “ideas” and planned how they would work, but still, would never put them into play. Thank you.

Poo to you. New parents should read this. You'll relate to it.

Prunes work for babies, too. Hold on here, let me give you a little background.

I just became a parent, so there are many things that are fresh and new to me. First off let me say that there are a million books about parenting. They detail everything a new parent can expect to see, do and experience. There are a few exclusions to the many topics covered, however.

One of them is poo. Baby poo. The great mysteries of parenthood can be a joy to experience. Poo is not one them. A joy that is, they are indeed a great mystery.

There are a couple of steps to reaching poo-vana.

Meconium - Initial introduction to baby poo. This stage the response you most likely will have is, “EW!” There will also be a lot of squirming, possible nose crinkling, and cringing. You will be doing this by the way, not the baby.

Questioning the poo. How can something so small put out so much!? Dear lord! I don’t remember baby poo smelling like this! Is supposed to be this yellow? Why are there all of these little bubbles?! What was that sound?! Oh my God, that was the baby?!?! Why does it smell this bad?! At least I had the benefit of previous baby diapers. My poor husband did not. He kept asking me, “Is this normal?!” All I could tell him, was “I think so, let’s call the Doctor just to make sure.” By the way, it was normal.

Poo-tastrophes… My baby can poo outside of his diaper. What I mean by this is that even with the diaper on, he can shoot poo everywhere. My little brother has a saying already worked out for this. He (my baby) is the great Poo-dini! His tricks will defy gravity and leave you gasping for air! This is true. He can poo up his back, out of the leg holes of the diaper and, of course, out the front. He managed to poo down his leg onto the carpeted area of the house while getting nothing on inside of his pants. He did this, not once, but twice.

Murphy’s Law Strikes. You will now have the poo experience to handle most emergencies. This is when Murphy’s Law will get you. In example: You take the baby out to a store. You (of course) have brought a small baby bag with the essentials. You reach to get the baby out of the car, when you hear it. You want to go home. Your husband insists upon going into the store. Fine. You bring the baby into the restroom to change him. You place the baby on the baby center changing station slab. You realize as you move your hands away from the baby, your left hand is now covered in poo. Yes, that’s right. Poo is everywhere. It’s all over the car seat, too. You reach to the sink and realize a couple of things.
There is no soap.
There are no paper towels.
The baby now has put his feet in the poo.
There aren’t enough baby wipes in the bag for this type of disaster.
And now the baby has put his right hand in the poo.
This was a true story. Yes, I did manage to clean the little guy and get home with only minor damage. {grrrrrr}

Now that you have a little background of what I’ve gone through… This morning was a kicker. Nothing like baby poo at 6:30am to clear the senses and chase away the cobwebs. I thought that Nathaniel might be experiencing a little problem. To help clear the issue up, I have been providing prunes for the little guy. Prunes work. They work, quickly, effectively and generously.

Nathaniel woke with a smile and a diaper full of, well, what he does. On one hand I was happy because I don’t think he has a problem any more. On the other hand, I now had to deal with the result of prunes. This morning’s batch was particularly pungent and halfway though cleaning him, the inevitable happened. Yes, that’s right, I ran out of wipes in the dispenser. I managed to get the wipe refill open with only one hand. I would like to credit texting with providing me with the skills and dexterity needed to accomplish this. After opening the wipes, I attempted to get one, but of course, 3 in a row came out. {sigh} Does this never get easier? After much shaking I got the wipes to separate. Finally, I finished cleaning the little guy. He was quite happy throughout the entire cleanup.

Let me just say, when you’re about to change your baby, make sure of the following:

You have a multitude of wipes.
You have something under him to protect the changing table.
You have diapers handy.
Your diaper genie (or whatever you use) has a refill in it and is not about to run out of plastic.
You turn the lights on. Yes, I have changed diapers in the dark. It’s much easier with lights.

In parting, here’s a little joke:


What do politicians and babies have in common?

They should be changed often and for the same reason.